Maybe it's over lackluster date nights. Maybe it's about intimate or difficult conversations. Maybe its romantic gestures. Maybe its verbal affirmations.
Whatever the case may be, our dissatisfaction can only be held on to for so long before it seeps out and tarnishes the surrounding environment. It feeds a divisive, resentful, contemptuous atmosphere. It doesnt matter what the desire is, or how valid it is to desire (which it usually is very valid!).. it matters that our deep inner culture of dissatisfaction will erode any potential for improvement, and invite only further dissatisfaction to the party.
When we look at the different core wounds of the AP and DA characters, it can often be described as :
The way these characters demonstrate protection of those core wounds, can often look like hypervigilance and hypersensitivity to anything that resembles those core types of pain. Where they branch apart, is often in how they address that hypersensitivity.
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After reflecting on the feedback on my part 1 of this post, I believe there’s a lot of interest in revealing the secret strategy to having our needs met by our dismissive leaning partners. A sort of "How To Ask So We Get a Yes" guidebook. A script to follow to override our partners avoidant reluctance.
I sense there will be a fair bit of disappointment when I confess .. that's not what I have prepared for you. I can't write out any special vocabulary to guarantee you will see affirmative action. There are no secret cheat codes to hack into the hidden core of needs-meetingness in our partners. I cant give you a password to unlocking whatever form of connection your partner has been "withholding".
I'm here to help us AP leaning folks take a look inward, to find the REAL gateway to sustainable progress, so we can experience the fulfillment we deserve and desire. Stay with me, I promise this gets better ♡
Within each of us exists a small fragment of person, representing our innermost childlike persona. Whatever joyful childlike wonders, whatever most natural desires, whatever most innocent fears, and whatever unresolved trauma we carry from our formative years, we retain within this persona. Being disconnected from this "small inner us" doesn’t remove them from the equation, it just blocks "big outer us" from perceiving and acting on what they need us to do. Adult attachment is this "small inner us", in action. (Yes, dismissive types have a "small them" tagging along too, but very rarely is that persona accessible for them in the early stages.)
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What are boundaries?
• a boundary is a personal limit we place around our participation within relationships. They may be involving physical contact, emotional proximity, personal privacy, language, and more. They exist within our realm of control. Imagine, I could not trespass on my neighbours property and go lock him in a cage for stealing my flowers, but I can stand on my own property and put a protective fence around my garden.
• boundaries can vary from one extreme to the other. Too rigid and harsh, or too soft and pliable. The ideal boundary exists in the middle of that spectrum, where there is a healthy stability.
• boundaries allow us to maintain a healthy sense of self within relationships, whether romantic or not. Boundaries allow us to appropriately balance and meet our own needs, while being able to acknowledge and accommodate the meeting of other needs that present in our environments.
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